Five Common Traits of Unhappy Couples

Dear Brides:

Communication and intimacy are interrelated. Couples, especially unhappy ones, often complain, “We don’t communicate.” But its impossible not to communicate. In fact, the absence of conversation, physical contact, and smiles are communicating very clearly.

Here are the five communication problems from the Prepare & Enrichs national survey of over 50,000 couples.

• I wish my partner was more willing to share their feelings.
• I sometimes have difficulty asking my partner for what I want.
• My partner often doesn understand how I feel.
• My partner often refuses to discuss issues or problems.
• My partner makes comments that put me down.

What is striking in these findings is the high percentage of the couples that share several common communication problems. Seventy-six percent of the couples said they wish their partners would share their feelings more often. Many couples have difficulty asking their partners for what they want, they don feel understood, and they feel their partner won discuss issues with them. Still another common problem with married couples is feeling put down by their partner.

Dear Brides, if you feel this way now during your engagement period, you might be asking, “What should I do?” Now is the perfect time for you and your fiance to communicate your concerns and desires. If you can’t do it now, it get any easier after you say I do. The biggest mistake couples make is thinking they can change their partner after they get married.

Engaged couples and couples in the early stages of marriage tend to look for the positive qualities in their partner and either overlook negative qualities or regard them as unimportant. Slowly and subtly, however, this pattern often shifts. Partners who have been married for many years tend to be more focused on their partners negatives and in the relationship itself. As found in the survey, about two-thirds of married individuals receive negative “put-down” comments from their partners.

John Gottman and his colleagues have conducted studies on more than 2,000 married couples and found that happy couples– on average– have five times as many positive interactions and expressions as negative interactions and expressions. What this means is that the stable couples don necessarily have less negativity in their relationship, but the negativity is greatly outweighed by positive feelings and actions. Gottman also points out that anger is the harmful most often when it is expressed along with criticism.

The one communication skill thats paramount to good communication is listening. Listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing is passive; it only requires healthy ears. We can hear someone talking without listening to them. Listening requires the desire to hear what the other person is saying. When we are really listening, we show the other person respect.

Years ago when I went to the hearing specialist, he helped me realize that I had a listening problem, not so much a hearing problem.

Until next time,

FarmerD