How to Have a Marriage Of A Lifetime

Dear Brides:

You’ve fallen in love and now want to have the wedding of your dreams. Having this dream wedding takes a lot of hard work and careful planning. Yet, having the wedding of your dreams is much easier than having the marriage relationship of a lifetime.

You may be thinking, Farmer D, you’re being very negative. No, I’m being very realistic since one half of all marriages in the United States end up in divorce. That means all of your diligent planning, beautiful pictures, words of commitment, and wonderful memories will be for naught, and of course, all the expenses of the wedding as well.

My hope in these marriage posts is to help couples not only fall in love and have the wedding of their dreams, but to offer ways to stay madly in love as well.

It’s very important to discover how to fall in love by meeting each other’s needs. Then learn how to stay in love by avoiding habits that chip away at your love for one another.

The feeling of love is such a powerful emotion that its hard to explain–its often a mystery. Most couples marry each other because they
e in love, and when you’re in love, you can imagine living without each other. It’s almost unexplainable, but it’s as real a feeling as life itself.

Sandy and I have been married for over 54 years and when we were dating in high school, we broke up once, as many couples do. Being apart was a wake-up call for me, and I realized how much I missed her. We were in love, so we eventually came to the conclusion that life without each other would be a mistake. So we got married; I was 20 years old and Sandy was 19. After 54 years, 6 children, 17 grandchildren, and 5 great-grandchildren, we are still learning how to fall in love with each other.

Sandy and I don have a great marriage because we were meant for each other. No! The reason we
e still in love is weve deliberately done and continue to do what it takes to stay in love. Marriage is wonderful and exciting, but does have its ups and downs, and requires both people working hard. It takes learning about one another, adjusting to each other, and realizing your relationship is your number one focus.

Dr. Willard F. Harley shares in his book, Fall in love, Stay in love, about two kinds of love. One is romantic love: that feeling of being in love and finding someone irresistible. Romantic love is an emotion your brain creates whenever certain conditions are met. Dr. Harley explains that your brain can eliminate the emotions when other conditions are met. It can be turned on or off with predictable certainty.

I usually give a marriage survey to couples I marry. These survey questions help specify the couples romantic love for each other.

Here are some questions I ask:

• Do you usually have a good feeling whenever you think about your mate?
• Would you rather be with your mate than with anyone else?
• Do you feel a “chemistry” between you and your mate?
• Does your mate bring out the best in you?

My goal as a minister is to help couples create and recreate their feeling of love for each other. I truly believe it takes desire, hard work, and skills to better understand how to meet your mate’s needs. It’s a never-ending attitude–an attitude that says that this relationship will not end– that will help your relationship grow. 

The second kind of love in marriages is called “caring love” because it represents a decision to care for your mate and to do what you can to make your mate happy. Caring love is that same kind of love we have for our children, parents, or even our pets. This love is a decision to do what you can to make someone happy. Its the willingness and effort to care for someone.

In the next few articles, I will continue to discuss how these two loves are created and recreated and how they are destroyed.

Until next time,

FarmerD