Dear Brides:
Here’s an important question to answer: Does cohabitation prepare couples for marriage? For many people, marriage is no longer considered a requirement for living with a romantic partner—that is, for living together.
The US Census Bureau defines cohabitation as: two unrelated adults of the opposite sex sharing the same living quarters.*
It’s safe to say living together is becoming more common in America. It is also true living together has sparked a good deal of controversy. They have conducted numerous studies to evaluate this phenomenon and to shed new light on the controversy surrounding cohabitation. The results show that living together isn’t a good way to prepare for marriage.
Marriage is a risky proposition. Conflict is inevitable, and the likelihood of divorce is high. For these and many other reasons, more people are living together rather than getting married. But living together isn’t necessarily good preparation for a successful marriage.
People live together for many reasons and have various types of living arrangements. Researchers have identified four common patterns of cohabitation: Linus blanket, emancipation, convenience, and testing.
Linus blanket. Names after the Linus character in the comic strip Peanuts who carries a security blanket. The Linus blanket relationship occurs when one partner is dependent or insecure; he or she prefers a relationship with anyone rather than being alone. The insecure partner often finds the open communication that a successful relationship thrives on is difficult. The stronger partner doesn’t feel he or she can criticize the more “fragile” partner. When the relationship ends, the insecure partner’s fragile self-esteem falls even lower, and the departing partner feels guilty.
Emancipation. Some people use living together to break free from their parents’ values and influence. Because this person- we will deem as Indy -don’t feel independent, Indy often enters a cohabitating relationship. The partner in this type of situation suffers because Indy, who’s seeking freedom, brings too much unfinished business to the relationship and is trying to gain independence at another person’s expense.
Convenience. Relationships where one person is the giver, and the other is the taker are often formed from convenience. These type of cohabiting relationships may involve a man in the relationship to have a housewife (although some may live together for economic, sexual, and social reasons also). The woman supplies loving care and domestic labor—and hopes, but dare not ask, for marriage. When all is said and done, the man has taken but not given much in return, and the woman has learned not to expect much from men.
Testing. Some people see living together as a true testing ground for marriage. If both partners are relatively mature and clearly committed to trying out living together, it can resemble marriage in some ways, but it lacks the commitment of marriage. In some ways, living together is just as complicated a relationship as marriage, but isn’t marriage nor a good preparation for marriage.
In next month’s letter, I will explain further why cohabitation isn’t a good preparation for marriage. I’ll also share the legal issues in living together and the results of a survey of 4,271 engaged couples.
Until then,
Farmer D
* Statistic gained from Prepare & Enrich
Featured Image by Werner Heiber from Pixabay