How to Help Your Man Listen and Not Solve

Categories: Weddings

By Denny Freeman on September 10, 2018

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Dear Brides:

The Bible in 1^st Peter 3:7 (AMP) advises husbands: “Live with your wives in an understanding way.” This is such an important thing for husbands to do, but why is it so difficult? Because we are created different and husbands don’t really see the importance of it.

So the question here is: How can you be an understanding husband and why is it so important? The most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood. Yes, to just listen is usually not his strong suit. He is better built to analyze the issue, provide answers, and fix problems.

Years ago, my wife, Sandy, would come to me with a problem or an issue and right away, I’d try to fix it. One time with tears, she said, “Don’t try to fix me, but just listen.” This is very confusing for men. Over the years, I’ve learned the hard way that Sandy doesn’t always want me to solve her problems, but wants me to show her I care by giving her empathy and understanding.

Talking to men, I met many husbands who don’t “get it.” In fact, trying to fix instead of listening is often a big part of conflict in their relationship. These men are coming at problems like men.

When I go to another man with a problem, I expect him to give solutions to my problem. I go to him to help me figure it out. You see, men believe they help others by solving their problems.

So when my wife comes to me with a problem, I may have to ask her a question: “Do you need a solution or a listening ear?”

Realize that when a wife comes to a husband with her problem, she isn’t always coming because she wants him to solve it. In fact in many cases, she knows exactly what she needs to do. But, she’s coming to share, to feel understood, and to communicate at an entirely different level.

Men tend to communicate for one reason only– to exchange information. They wonder, why else would you want to communicate? Get to the facts. Share opinions. Come to conclusions. What else is there?

So when a wife comes and says, “Can we talk?” the husband responds, “What about?” He is ready to exchange information and to give solutions. But then she says, “Oh, I don’t know. I just need to talk.”

This is not a comforting line for the average husband. This throws his information exchange system totally out of whack. He begins to get suspicious. She must be setting him up to bawl him out about something.

Dear Brides, I’m sharing this information to help you help your guy. Also it will help you both in your communication with each other. By discussing these things together will help both of you to be on the same page.

Until next time,

FarmerD